Captain Greenbeard, Savior of Idiots
by bittersweet saturn
Summary: it's about a pirate. who helps people. oh hell, just read it! ^_^


1 Captain Greenbeard, Episode XI  
  
(Music starts intro, dims as narrator speaks.)  
  
Narrator: This week on Captain Greenbeard, we find our hero assisting two rather naughty girls who got themselves in a sticky situation. After attending their favorite baseball team's game, these two decided to wander, not realizing that the stadium was closed early. Now, the stadium pitch black and empty, the two girls must find a way out before their parents discover their absence. Little do these two know a certain Captain Greenbeard is coming their way to assist them.  
  
(Music swells, then fades out)  
  
Chloe: Lisa, how in the world are we going to get out of here?  
  
Lisa: I don't know, do I look like I know everything? Jesus Christ, our parents are going to kill us. We have a curfew, you know.  
  
Chloe: Yeah, I know, how could I forget?… well, I guess we're going to have to find a door that isn't locked. If there is one.  
  
Lisa: Oh, let's face it, Chloe, we're dead. We'll be found tomorrow, lying face down like in all those police shows.  
  
(A faint twinkling sounds grows louder)  
  
Lisa: What's that?  
  
Chloe: I don't know…  
  
(Twinkling sound grows louder and a voice is heard)  
  
Voice: Yargh! I be awash in blackness! Who's there, I say? Have ye the liver of a lizard? Show yeselves!  
  
Narrator: Yes, faithful listeners! It is indeed the Captain Greenbeard, protector of all those who have found their way into trouble one way or another!  
  
Chloe: What the-?  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh! I hear ye, but why have ye blackened the heavens? Answer me, I say!  
  
Lisa: Who- Wha- What's going on!?  
  
Greenbeard: Are ye in trouble? Why have ye summoned me?  
  
2 Chloe: Wh-who are you? Where are you?  
  
Greenbeard: (to himself) Yargh, I nearly forgot me torch! (Lights match) Argh, that's better. Now, where are yonder damsels in distress? Well! I seem to have found me some youngins!  
  
Chloe: Um… I don't mean to be rude, but… who are you? How did you just appear like that and- why are you wearing an eyepatch?  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh, lost me left eye in a skirmish with me first mate. Wanted his share of the pork he did… but on to greater things! I am Captain Greenbeard of the SS Hot Chocolate, and I help poor sods like you who've gotten in a spot of messiness. 'Tis me job, when not battlin' fierce sea demons or plunderin' the helpless.  
  
Lisa: Oh, a… versatile… pirate.  
  
3 Greenbeard: What seems to be the problem, besides eternal darkness? 'Tis a grand cave ye've wondered into, excusin' yer pardon, young misses.  
  
Chloe: (confused) Cave?… Oh, the stadium.  
  
Greenbeard: Aye, stadium. A strange feel on me tongue, it is.  
  
4 Lisa: We need to get out of here, and soon, is our problem, Mr. Pirate whatever-your-name-is.  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh, that's no problem. I'll have ye out of this cave in no time! Follow me and I'll lead ye two fishies to daylight! Yargh! (Runs off)  
  
5 Chloe: Oh, um… (To Lisa) what do we do?  
  
Lisa: Follow him, I guess. We don't seem to have a choice.  
  
Greenbeard: (From distance) ye legs be slower than me granddad's molasses!  
  
(Lisa and Chloe run off, as music swells and fades)  
  
**********************  
  
(All walking along)  
  
Chloe: I think we need to find the lights before we do anything else  
  
Lisa: Oh, and alert the entire city that we're here? Are you crazy?  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh, 'tisn't a bad idea. Me torch is fadin' fast.  
  
Chloe: Hey, over here! This feels a little like a switch.  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh! I'll smash the devil! Stand back, lassie!  
  
Chloe: No! You just… keep watch or something. I'll handle this.  
  
Greenbeard: Well, ye be a headstrong lass if I ever met one. Yargh, I'll 'keep watch'. I'll be the best watch-keeper an evil-doin cave ever dealt with. I'll use me eye, me ears and me nose! Er… ye don't want me to keep watch with me tongue, do ye, lass?  
  
Chloe: Um, no, that's quite all right. Just be quiet.  
  
Lisa: (to Chloe) I don't think he knows the meaning of the word.  
  
Greenbeard: Listen to me, guppy, I know the meaning of every word I've set me eye on! Quiet is… er…  
  
Lisa: See? You're an imbecile! I bet you aren't even a real pirate!  
  
Greenbeard: Yer travelin' on dangerous ground, lass.  
  
Lisa: Oh, come on. You don't even have a parrot!  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh! Don't judge a ship by her paint job! I'm not a stereotype! Look past the eyepatch, ye cruel fishie! I be the most courageous, warm-hearted pirate west of the Seven Seas! Any who question me rarely live to tell about it!  
  
Lisa: Sorry…  
  
Greenbeard: Besides, me parrot died two weeks ago when he ate that paint chip… (Sobs) Poor, poor little Turkey!  
  
Lisa: Turkey?  
  
Greenbeard: (Sniffling) 'Twas his name, the poor beast…  
  
Chloe: Would you two shut up? I'm trying to- (flicks multiple lightswitches)  
  
Greenbeard: (Reacting to the lights being turned on) YE-ARGH! Me eye! Me eye! Yonder heavens have parted and cursed me a blind man!  
  
Chloe: (Startled) Relax, it's just-  
  
Greenbeard: By the left molar of Thor! I've never felt such pain! I…(Pauses) so the heavens haven't cursed me. I can see! This be infinitely better than the white blindness! Praise Thor! (Runs off)  
  
Chloe: I forgot he's probably never seen florescent lights before.  
  
Lisa: (to herself) What a drama queen…  
  
Chloe: Maybe I should have turned them on one at a time…  
  
6 Greenbeard: (trips over chair) Yargh… cursed blue demon. Take that, impudent folded trap!  
  
Lisa: (Sarcastically) Nice depth perception, Captain.  
  
Chloe: Come on, Captain Greenbeard, quit playing around. We need to get out of here before anyone notices that we turned some lights on.  
  
Greenbeard: (walking back to Lisa and Chloe) Yargh, did ye do that?  
  
Chloe: What? Turn the lights on?  
  
Greenbeard: Aye.  
  
Chloe: Well, we didn't exactly have a choice, otherwise we would have been wandering around in the dark forever.  
  
Lisa: (Sarcastically) Yeah, now we'll be wandering around in the light forever.  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh! I be blessed with protecting a goddess of yonder heavens!  
  
Chloe: Wha…  
  
Greenbeard: Lass, unworthy I am, may I pledge me loyalty to ye? I'll never guide ye wrong, 'tis me promise!  
  
Chloe: Um… sure.  
  
Greenbeard: (Kisses Chloe's hand) Yargh, I'll do me best to keep ye safe!  
  
Lisa: What about me?  
  
Greenbeard: Ar… Listen, guppy, I don't have time to protect the world.  
  
Lisa: Guppy?!  
  
Greenbeard: Would ye prefer yeller-bellied pond scum?  
  
Lisa: Excuse me?  
  
Chloe: Hey! Can we just get out of this stupid stadium?  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh.  
  
Lisa: Yes, let's.  
  
Greenbeard: Ye can count on me, heavenly goddess!  
  
Chloe: Um… thanks… I think. Well, let's go, then.  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh! To greener pastures! (Runs off)  
  
Lisa: Right…  
  
(All walk off, as music swells and fades)  
  
*********************  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh, we've been walking for hours, me lass. Is there no end to these infernal tunnels?  
  
Chloe: These are halls, not tunnels, Captain.  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh. Right.  
  
Lisa: It hasn't been hours, Captain, it's just your warm presence that makes it seem so.  
  
Greenbeard: Thor's left eyebrow! Ye be a spiteful child!  
  
Lisa: Oh, shut up, you demented sword-wielding idiot. Every single door we've found has been locked! Face it, Chloe, we're never going to find our way out of here.  
  
Greenbeard: Nonsense, me villainous wench, we'll find something yet! No one's giving up while I'm around!  
  
Lisa: Which won't be long if you don't stop calling me names.  
  
Greenbeard: Is that a threat, me foolish kitten?  
  
Lisa: Don't call me kitten, you peg-legged idiot, or I'll be forced to put that hook of yours into some rather unpleasant body cavities if you don't shut up.  
  
Greenbeard: Fire and brimstone! Listen here, ye-  
  
Chloe: (From distance) Hey! I think I found something that might work! Captain Greenbeard, Lisa! Over here!  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh! The lass saves us all again!  
  
Lisa: (To herself) Good grief.  
  
(Greenbeard and Lisa walk over to Chloe's spot)  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh, what is this contraption ye hold?  
  
Chloe: I found these wire cutters in the janitor's closet. These might break a lock.  
  
Lisa: (Slowly hopeful) Hey, we just might get out of here.  
  
Chloe: (Happily) I told you!  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh, this calls for a celebration! I'll find me bottle opener!  
  
Chloe: Bottle opener?  
  
Greenbeard: For the ale! Look in yonder pub!  
  
Lisa: You mean the snack bar? That's Cola, not ale, you dimwitted piece of pocket lint.  
  
Chloe: Um, Lisa, maybe you should stop insulting him…  
  
Greenbeard: (Irritated) Yargh… Listen to me, little fishie. I've been patient with ye until now, but you've crossed me line for the last time. Duel or dishonor. Choose!  
  
Lisa: What?! I'm not going to duel you, you half-chewed up dog toy! You're the only one with a sword! Besides, I thought you were here to help us! Not kill us!  
  
Greenbeard: Don't be ridiculous. I wouldn't dream of it.  
  
Lisa: (Relieved) well, good.  
  
Greenbeard: Kill me heavenly mistress of yonder sky? Blasphemy! Ye, on the other hand… ye've insulted me too many times for forgiveness! (Draws sword.) Duel.  
  
Lisa: What?!  
  
Chloe: (Alarmed) Hey! Put that thing away! No one's dueling anyone! We're getting out of here, and you two are going to stop speaking to each other! No more insults, no more names, no more duels. Got it?  
  
Lisa: Yeah, yeah. No more insults. I promise. (To herself) Stupid pirate, he doesn't even have a parrot…  
  
Greenbeard: (Dismayed) But lass, ye can't expect a noble captain such as I to endure abuse from this pint-sized harpy?  
  
Chloe: That's why you're both going to shut up and stop threatening each other. Ok?  
  
Greenbeard: (Disappointed) Yargh…  
  
Chloe: Ok?  
  
Greenbeard: Alright! I'll do it, if only to keep ye happy, mistress.  
  
Chloe: Good. That's settled. Let's just get out of here, go to our respective homes, and leave it be.  
  
(Eerie music starts. Faint footsteps are heard, walking towards our heroes.)  
  
Lisa: Hey, did you hear anything just now?  
  
Greenbeard: I'm tellin' ye, lass, I won't insult you no more! Pirate's honor!  
  
Lisa: (Exasperated) No, you… (Decides against calling Greenbeard a nasty name) I really did hear something!  
  
Chloe: Wait…(footsteps get louder) it's getting louder.  
  
Greenbeard: By the left nostril of Thor! He'll be a dead one that tries to harm me mistress of yonder sky!  
  
Chloe: (Harsh whisper) No! No killing! Let's just hide, ok?  
  
(Footsteps get closer. Music gets more threatening.)  
  
Lisa: Well, whatever we do, we'd better do it fast!  
  
(Footsteps stop. A man's voice is heard. Music becomes more ominous.)  
  
Man: Hey! Whoever you are! Stop! In the name of the law!  
  
Greenbeard: You'll never take us alive, murderous beast! We'll perish before we surrender to yer tyranny!  
  
Lisa: (Panicked) shut up!  
  
Chloe: Run!  
  
Greenbeard: (Shocked) from yonder lily-livered dog? Yer jokin'!  
  
Lisa: No, seriously, run, you deranged cripple!  
  
Man: Whoever you are, I'm prepared to use force!  
  
Greenbeard: Cripple? Cripple? This 'ere be a fine oak peg leg, not a cane!  
  
Chloe: Shut up! Just run!  
  
(Chloe and Lisa run away.)  
  
Greenbeard: (Frustrated) Yargh! By Thor's big toe, I never thought I'd see the day Captain Greenbeard himself would run away from a miserable dog!  
  
Man: (To radio) I need backup! I repeat: I need backup!  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh!  
  
(Greenbeard follows the girls. The three stop running and hide in the janitor's closet.)  
  
Chloe: (Stage whisper) we are so dead!  
  
Lisa: (Stage whisper) If Captain Greenbean hadn't started yelling, we might have been all right!  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh! 'Twas only challenging the mangy cur!  
  
Chloe: Shh! (Stage whisper) Shut up! We need to figure out a way out of this!  
  
Lisa: (Stage whisper) Hey, you still have those wire cutters, don't you?  
  
Chloe: (Stage whisper) Yeah but-  
  
Guard: (Loudly) whoever you people are, come out. Backup is on the way, and you have no chance to escape. I promise I won't hurt you.  
  
Greenbeard: He won't hurt us? Yargh, he deserves the cat-o'-nine-tails, if ye ask me…  
  
Chloe: (Stage whisper) Lisa, you may be on to something. We could knock him out and run before anyone else gets here!  
  
Lisa: (Stage whisper) Greenbeard, you can't kill him. Ok? No killing.  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh, lass, ye underestimate me self-control.  
  
Guard: (Loudly) It's no use hiding. You will be found and arrested! Just come on out now and make everything easier for all of us!  
  
Chloe: (Stage whisper) Ok, on three. One… Two…  
  
Greenbeard: Three! (Jumps out and knocks the guard with the brunt of his sword. The guard falls as the two girls come out of the closet.)  
  
Greenbeard: Ha ha! Take that, ye cowardly excuse for a man! That'll teach ye not to trifle with the unstoppable force of Captain Greenbeard, protector of all those in need and his sky goddess! Ha ha!  
  
Chloe: Captain Greenbeard! You did it!  
  
Lisa: Hey, what about me?  
  
Greenbeard: Aye… none could forget you…  
  
Lisa: (Suspicious) Is that an insult?  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh… (Sheaths sword) We aren't insultin' each other no more, eh, me lass?  
  
Lisa: Hmmm.  
  
Chloe: Um, Captain Greenbeard, I think we should get out of here. That guard won't stay down forever.  
  
Greenbeard: Aye, ye be a clever lass. Onward, then! To yonder door! (Runs to doors.)  
  
Lisa: Impossible pirate…  
  
(Lisa and Chloe follow Captain Greenbeard to the doors)  
  
Greenbeard: (wildly slashing at the lock with his sword.) Accursed links of confinement! (Continues.) Ye'll bow before the awesome power of me blade!  
  
Chloe: Um… Captain Greenbeard?  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh, the blasted door is locked, I'm afraid. I just hope we don't end up like me poor first mate.  
  
Lisa: (Worried) …What happened to your first mate?  
  
Greenbeard: He locked himself in a treasure chest for three weeks.  
  
Chloe: (Anxious) what happened to him?  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh, 'tis a sad tale. We opened the chest, and there he was, stiff as a whiskey, if ye catch me meaning.  
  
Lisa: He was dead? Why would the crazy idiot do something like that?  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh, 'twas me orders. And no one gets by captain's orders.  
  
Lisa: You ordered him to do that?  
  
Greenbeard: In hindsight, maybe 'twasn't such a good idea to drink the entire ship's supply of ale before issuin' them orders.  
  
Chloe: (Flustered) Well, um… let's cut the wires, don't we?  
  
Lisa: Right. (To Chloe.) Hand me the wire cutters. (Snaps the lock off. It falls to the ground.) There. (Smugly) Twenty-first century technology at it's best, Greenbeard.  
  
Greenbeard: (Amazed) Ye be more powerful than I thought, lass. (Sheaths sword) Why didn't ye tell me ye were a sorceress? I be in powerful company…  
  
Lisa: Sorceress, locksmith, same difference.  
  
Greenbeard: By the kneecap of Thor! Ye amaze me with yer talent, Miss Lisa. Beneath yer dull and ordinary exterior is a powerful force. I bow before ye. Forgive an old sea dog for his ignorance.  
  
Lisa: (Surprised) Thanks… I think…  
  
Chloe: I don't mean to interrupt or anything, but shall we go? Unless you want a horde of police and security guards chasing after us.  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh, yer right as always, me sky goddess. I'm afraid this is where we must part with each other. 'Twas an interesting experience, to help two powerful young lasses out of this mighty cave.  
  
Lisa: It's a stadium.  
  
Greenbeard: 'Tis a technicality, lass. Cave I see, cave I name. Yargh…  
  
Chloe: (Happily) We really have to go, Captain Greenbeard, but thank you so much for your help. We couldn't have found our way out without you. We might even make it past our parents.  
  
Lisa: Yeah, thanks for all your help, Greenbeard. I guess we… did need your help after all.  
  
Greenbeard: Yer both very welcome! Jus' don't get trapped in such a cave next time. Yargh, me be a bit… claustrophobic.  
  
Lisa: You're kidding. A claustrophobic pirate?  
  
(Faint twinkling sound starts playing, grows louder.)  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh, by Thor's left pinky! It be time for me to leave ye two lasses now. Farewell, me sky goddess! Farewell, me sorceress! Farewell!  
  
Chloe: Bye, Captain Greenbeard!  
  
Lisa: Cya later, Greenbean!  
  
Greenbeard: Yargh to all! And to all a good yargh!  
  
(Twinkling sound swells, then fades. Captain Greenbeard is gone.)  
  
(Music swells, then dims as the narrator speaks.)  
  
Narrator: And so, with the illustrious Captain Greenbeard's help, Chloe and Lisa found their way home, and didn't get caught by their parents for breaking curfew. Captain Greenbeard's adventures continue, however, into other realms and other times, never resting, never faltering, never wavering in his duty to help those in need. Farewell, Captain Greenbeard! We salute you!  
  
(Music swells again, then fades.)  
  
Not The End. 


End file.
